


The Real Housewives of Skyrim

by RealHousewivesOfSkyrim



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: F/F, F/M, Minor Violence, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 17:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2700545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealHousewivesOfSkyrim/pseuds/RealHousewivesOfSkyrim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bravo's hit Housewives franchise delves North to the province of Skyrim, where the catty lives of wealthy women -- including The Dragonborn and the daughter of Lord Harkon, a pureblood vampire -- provide all the entertainment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Real Housewives of Skyrim

Season 1: Episode 1: Pilot

  


“ ‘Gray-Mane or Battle-Born’? You think that after one day in this gods-forsaken town that I’m going to make some sort of family feud decision, you’re wrong, so you can stop fuckin’ saying that every time I run across you.”

-Clarisse Hardhorn, Dragonborn, Nord, 23

 

“Clarisse can get hot-headed sometimes, but she’s my wife, and I have to support her, right? It just gets so hard these days, what with all the late nights drinking at the inns, and all the time she spends with that vampire Serana. I just don’t know how much longer I can put up with this.”

-Vilkas, Member of the Companions and a Werewolf, Nord, 25

  
  


Uthgerd the Unbroken glanced up from her mead to look into the face of the woman who had come to be one of her closest companions, Clarisse. Clarisse was everything that Uthgerd wanted to be; beautiful, ruthless, and to top it all off married. Uthgerd wanted someone strong and powerful to hunt with, and Clarisse had known this for months. “I keep telling you to go after Farkas but you never listen to any of my advice,” Clarisse had said to Uthgerd more than once, and the reason why she couldn’t scarred her to this day.

 

“I had tried joining the Companions once, but I ended up killing one of the boys in my battle. They said I was ‘too callous’ and that I didn’t ‘consider the consequences of my actions’. Farkas was there that day, and I’ll never be able to face him again.”

-Uthgerd the Unbroken, reject of the Companions, rumored alcoholic, Nord

 

Clarisse wanted her friend to be happy, but Uthgerd was always happiest fighting someone not contemplating whether she was good enough for a man, she knew she was. “Sober up a little and then go fight something with your bare fists,” Clarisse said to her as she was getting up, “right now I have to go face my husband the only way I can. Buzzed.” Clarisse dragged her hand across the table, scattering plates as she staggered towards the door. Uthgerd sat for a few moments after her friend left before she decided to take her advice and go kill something.

  


“She’s right you know. I truly am happiest when I’m sticking my own blade into something not a man sticking his into me.”

-Uthgerd the Unbroken, confirmed alcoholic

  


Idolaf Battle-Born was the last person Clarisse wanted to run into on her way back to Breezehome, but there he stood directly in her path. She knew exactly what was going to come out of his mouth and before she could speak a word she heard, “Gray-Mane or Battle-Born,” and she stopped with her first word just barely touching the tip of her teeth. A drunken rampage was all she could muster up.

 

“Is that REALLY all you can FUCKING say until I’ve picked a side? How many goddamn times do I have to tell you- I want NO part in this feud. Whatsoever. So tell me, is that all you can say to me?”

 

“Yes.”

-Idolaf Battle-Born, resident asshole

  


Dealing with the one-sentence wackjob used all the strength she had, and with a flourish of steel she brought the dagger hidden underneath her tunic to his throat. The look of fear she recognized from the Elk she hunted slowly crept upon his face. Idolaf feels the cool steel of the blade upon his throat as he gazes into Clarisse’s eyes, the stare lingers for too long and he starts to feel the burn from the Nord woman’s fierce eyes. He clears his throat once more, “Gray-Mane or Battle-Born?” Clarisse is swift, the blunt side of the dagger making a small incision on the side of his neck. A small trickle of blood begins to trail downwards. Clarisse watches mesmerized as the blood drips, following an unmarked path.

 

Suddenly a figure emerges from the shadows, “Looks like you’ve made a bit of a mess, mind if I clean it up?” Serana looked onto the scene lain before her and became enthralled immediately.

 

“I have a thing for blood y’know. When I see it there’s just this power that comes over me. I assume it’s like that for every vampire because, well, food source. The thing is I hadn’t eaten in days, and the bloodlust just came over me.”

-Serana, Daughter of Coldharbour, walking disaster

 

“I was fucked…”

-Idolaf Battle-Born, Walking blood bank

 

Clarisse immediately noticed the abrasive nature Serana was showing and knew she had to take the defensive. She knew she could threaten Idolaf with a sound mind but letting Serana kill him? She felt Idolaf tense up even more as Serana sauntered over to them both. With a quick motion she grabbed the dagger out of Clarisse’s hand and ran her tongue along it slowly. “Back off bitch,” Clarisse said like the Redguards in the ghetto.

 

“Was that racist? Whatever, Ulfric Stormcloak can get away with that shit… and he’s a Jarl”

-Clarisse Hardhorn, surprisingly racist

 

 

“You know I love you, but it has been too long since I’ve fed,” Serana replied with a look of disappointment in her eyes. With one swift motion she knocked Clarisse to her feet and proceeded to feed on Idolof. A deep feeling of guilt quickly washed over Clarisse-- if she hadn’t had lost her temper when dealing with Idolof his blood wouldn’t be pooling at Serana’s feet.

 

“ENOUGH,” she yelled as she staggered to her feet, the alcohol still running through her system. “My arrow won’t kill her but I can incapacitate her well enough,” she thought as she unsheathed her Elven Bow. She heard the satisfying thunk as Serana drew back in pain, dropping the unmoving Idolaf onto the cobbled street.

 

“Mother FUCKING HELL,” Serana screamed, “You know where to hit them where they hurt don’t you?”

 

“I admit, it stung, even for a Vampire”

-Serana, Bitch

 

Serana looked onto the scene, the bloodlust finally out of her eyes, taking in what she had done. “Goddammit that’s been happening more and more often. I gotta bring something extra to eat next time...who the hell is that?”

 

“Some asshole with a family feud you almost ended in 3 minutes,” Clarisse replied as nonchalant as she could.

 

“G-grey Mane….or B...attle-Born…” Serana and Clarisse both shared a glance before looking down at the slightly moving Idolof on the ground.

  
“Well shit, welcome to the family, Battle-Born,” Serana told him as she knew the first effects of Sanguinare Vampiris was taking effect in his body.


End file.
